|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
If you ever find yourself in a house where puberty and menopause are happening at the same time, good luck! Buckle up! It’s a wild ride.
On one side, there’s my teenager, pumping out hormones like a fire hydrant on full blast, growing taller overnight, eating everything in sight, and effortlessly getting stronger. On the other side, there’s me, losing hormones like spare change through a hole in my pocket, growing wider instead of taller, watching muscle vanish into the void despite my best efforts, and realizing that just looking at food makes my jeans tighter.
One of us is racing toward adulthood with energy to spare. The other is gripping the handrails of middle age, trying not to fall apart.
The Brain Battle: Half-Formed vs. Slowly Degrading
Science tells us that a teenager’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed, meaning they struggle with impulse control, logical reasoning, and long-term planning. Meanwhile, my once fully developed brain is now slowly deteriorating, thanks to menopause, sleep deprivation, and the general exhaustion of raising said teenager and his tweenage brother..
What does this mean?
It means our conversations sound like that.
Him: Mom, can you drive me to school today? I have orchestra, and my viola is so bulky to carry.
Me: You can walk. It’s not a big deal.
Him: Yes, it is! Please, Mom, pleeeeaaaaase!
Me: Ugh, fine. Grab your stuff and get in the car.
(He follows me into the car. We drive to school.)
Me: Don’t forget your viola!
Him: (Opens the rear door, stares inside.) Uh… Mom? What am I doing again?
Me: Taking your viola!
Him: Oh… (pauses, confused) I left it at home. Can you please go get it? There’s still time. Pleeeeeeeaaaase!
Me: GRRRR… REALLY?! Argh, fine.
(I drive all the way home… get inside… and completely forget about the violin.)
He’s charging ahead without thinking, I’m stalling mid-thought, and together we manage to derail just about every conversation.
Where We’re Shockingly Similar
For two people at opposite stages of life, we have some disturbing things in common:
- We both have facial hair. He’s proudly growing a mustache. I’m investing in tweezers, wax strips, and prayers.
- We both have acne. His is from raging testosterone. Mine is from raging menopause.
- We both have mood swings. He’s angry for no reason. I’m angry for every reason.
- We both forget things constantly. He forgets homework, chores, and deadlines. I forget why I walked into a room.
- We both have weird shower habits. He showers twice a day and soaks himself in deodorant. I stand in the shower, wondering if I already washed my hair.
In short, same mess, different decade!
Where We Are Completely Opposite
While we share a few struggles, our bodies and brains are moving in completely different directions, and it’s just not fair.
Sleep:
- He sleeps like a log, nothing wakes him up. I sleep like a paranoid security guard, waking up every hour for absolutely no reason.
- I could set off the smoke alarm, and he’d keep snoring. Meanwhile, I wake up if the dog sighs too loudly.
Muscle Mass:
- He gains muscle just by existing. I lose muscle despite doing squats, lunges, and everything short of selling my soul for strength.
- He barely works out and gets stronger. I train constantly just to stay weak instead of becoming weaker.
Body Growth:
- He’s growing taller. I’m growing wider.
- He stretches out like a beanpole. I expand like a loaf of bread in the oven.
Weight Gain vs. Calories:
- He eats an entire pizza and still has abs. I eat two crackers and my pants feel tight.
- His metabolism is a roaring fire. Mine is a dying candle.
Energy Levels:
- He sprints for fun. I only sprint if my life depends on it (barely).
- He jumps down stairs two at a time. I creak down one step at a time, clutching the handrail.
Let’s just say he’s speeding up, and I’m learning to pace myself.
Survival Tips for When Menopause and Puberty Coexist
- Lower your expectations. The house is a hormonal war zone, just accept it.
- Stock up on snacks. He will eat everything in sight. You need hidden reserves.
- Nap whenever possible. You’re not sleeping at night anyway.
- Get noise-canceling headphones. Because someone is always stomping, complaining, or sighing dramatically.
- Laugh about it. Because if you don’t, you’ll cry, and you’re already dehydrated from night sweats.
One day, we’ll both come out of this hormonal storm, him as a fully functional adult, me as a seasoned warrior who survived it all. But for now, it’s just another day in a house where one person is gaining life while the other is fighting to hold on to it.
And if you ever catch me standing in front of the fridge with an heat pack on my neck while my teenager eats his fourth meal of the day, just know, we’re both just doing our best to survive.